I asked ChatGPT to tell me how to make ribs a while back. And it came up with those whole-ass thing. I’m reposting it here because I got a kick out of it. I mean, it doesn’t get everything right, but I’m still surprised that it got me as far as it did!

OFFSET SMOKER SPARE RIBS — COMPLETE BATTLE PLAN

EQUIPMENT

• Smokin' Joe's Offset Smoker

• Fuel: Fogo premium hardwood lump charcoal

• Wood: Cherry chunks

STEP 1 — PREP THE MEAT

1. Remove the membrane from the bone side of each rack. Slide a butter knife under the membrane at one end, grip with a paper towel, and pull it off in one motion.

2. Pat both racks dry with paper towels.

3. Apply dry rub to all surfaces — meat side, bone side, and all edges. Work it in with your hands.

Rub Options

Store-bought: Bad Byron's Butt Rub, Meat Church Holy Cow, or Blues Hog Dry Rub

Homemade (per 2 racks):

• ¼ cup brown sugar

• 2 tbsp paprika

• 1 tbsp chili powder

• 1 tbsp garlic powder

• 1 tbsp onion powder

• 1 tbsp black pepper

• 2 tsp salt

• 1 tsp cumin

• 1/2 tsp cayenne

Rest After Applying Rub

• 30–60 minutes: Leave uncovered at room temperature

• Overnight: Wrap tightly in plastic wrap and refrigerate

My output:

STEP 2 — FIRE THE SMOKER

1. Light Fogo lump charcoal in the firebox.

2. Bring smoker to your target temperature before placing ribs on the grate.

3. Add cherry wood chunks once target temp is reached.

4. Keep the exhaust damper approximately ¼ open throughout the cook.

STEP 3 — DEPLOYMENT

• Place ribs bone side down, meat side up on the grate.

• Do not flip at any point during the cook.

• Maintain target temperature. Adjust intake damper and add charcoal as needed.

• Add one cherry chunk per hour for the first 4 hours only.

STEP 4 — TEMPERATURE AND TIME OPTIONS

Baby back ribs at 300°F: Approximately 3–3.5 hours. Check doneness at 2.5 hours.

STEP 5 — TEMPERATURE MANAGEMENT

• Minor drop (290–295°F): Open intake damper slightly

• Major drop (below 285°F): Add a small handful of Fogo lump charcoal and increase airflow

• Allow 15 minutes between adjustments before reassessing

• Normal fluctuation of ±10–15°F is acceptable

LUMP CHARCOAL FUEL CADENCE:

Lump charcoal pieces vary in size — do not count pieces as a unit of measurement like briquettes. Instead:

1. Check thermometer first — adjust intake damper before reaching for fuel

2. If damper adjustment is insufficient: Add a small handful of lump charcoal

3. Expect to add fuel roughly every 45–60 minutes depending on conditions

4. Outside temperature and wind will affect burn rate — always let the thermometer guide you, not the clock

FOR REFERENCE — BRIQUETTE CADENCE (if ever used):

6-10 briquettes per hour is a reasonable general guideline, since briquettes are uniform in size and burn predictably. This does not apply to lump charcoal.

My output:

STEP 6 — SPRITZING (APPLE CIDER VINEGAR)

• 0–33% of cook time: Do NOT spritz — let bark develop undisturbed

• 33% onward: Spritz every 30–45 minutes until final 15 minutes

• Final 15 minutes: Stop spritzing — sauce window if using

APPLICATION METHOD:

• Light, even mist on meat side only

• Do not saturate — moisture only, not a bath

• Work quickly to minimize heat loss

• Recommended quantity: Fill bottle with 6–8 oz — better to have excess than run dry

STEP 7 — SAUCE (OPTIONAL)

• Apply sauce in the final 15 minutes only — earlier will cause burning

• Brush on the meat side only

• Thin, even coat — sauce should enhance, not mask

• Alternatively, serve sauce on the side

STEP 8 — DONENESS TESTS

Ribs are done when ALL of the following are true:

1. Bend test: Pick up the rack with tongs at one end — it bends 90° without breaking

2. Pull-back: Meat has pulled back approximately 1/4 inch from the bone ends

3. Probe test: A toothpick or thermometer probe slides between bones with minimal resistance

4. Internal temp: 195–203°F

STEP 9 — REST

Rest ribs uncovered for 15 minutes before slicing. Do not wrap — the bark will soften.

SLICING

Cut between each bone. Serve bone side down on the plate.

My ouput: